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Pimpbot's wannabe racerboy (or girl) hot ass tips and dirty tricks for those with no shame
Hi wanna be racerboys and racergals. I've never won a race, and I'm kinda fat and slow... probably because I don't 'train' per se. I enjoy racing, even though I get my fat ass handed to me each and every time. These tips are to be used at your discretion, and at risk to your own racing career, health and social standing in your biking community. So without further adieu, here are a few tricks I've picked up that have helped me (I think) do my best. Weeks before the race: Clean everything, inspect your bike for cracks, condition of tires, chain, cassette and ring wear, etc. If you find wear in your drivetrain either change it all out, or live with it for now. The last thing you wanna do is replace a badly worn chain and cause skipping or chainsuck because your cassette and chainrings are worn too. The key here is no surprises on the racecourse. Double check the tightness of all important bolts. That is, don't just tighten them more, but make sure they are at the correct torque. Check your hubs for play in the bearings, etc. You get the idea. Race on the tires you trained on.
This means, change out to your race tires and do a few practice rides a
week or two before a race. I normally ride on slow rolling heavier
knobby tires (training weight!) and race on lighter, skinnier tires
that roll really fast, but also can be a bit squirrelly in hard
cornering and braking. You don't want to find out during the race that
the nice off camber sweeper you can rail at 20 MPH on the fat trailbike
fat knobs needs a little less velocity on the race tires. I also
suggest super light innertubes if you can get away with them. Let's
face it, most races are won in the climbs, not the downhills. If you can help it, do not make any major component changes on your bike. The racetrack is not the place to beta test a new bike setup. The exception to this rule, is of course, you have a major component failure right before a race. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I normally don't like the disposable CO2 inflators, but for racing they rock. Let's face it, if you get a flat in a race, you are no longer going to win... or even podium (unless you're a serious sandbagger). That said, CO2 inflators will fill your tire the fastest once the innertube is changed out. I carry a tire pump as well. You may want to experiment with a CO2 inflator to see if it will really give you enough pressure to ride on. A 16 gram cartridge will probably not fill a mountain bike tire all the way, but it will get you most of the way there. I have not tried the bigger cartridges, but they may do it. I just carry 2-3 16 gram cartridges. Knock on wood, I have not had to use them yet. You may also want to check the tightness of your tire bead. Make sure you can get the tire off by hand, or carry tire levers with you. Race Day: Warm up. Puking your brains out at the top of the first climb tends to eat into your lap times. If you canÕt warm up, at least donÕt hammer at 110% for the first 10-15 minutes. Stretch, if your normally stretch (which you should, but I don't always). When I do stretch, I like to stretch after I warm my muscles up a bit. Drink a good amount of sports drink before the race. Try to judge weather conditions and track conditions before the race (which may also play into tire and chain lube selection). Judge how much water and sports drink you will need. A full 100 oz of water weighs about 6 lbs, and each bit of weight you carry will slow you down that much more. I've heard of numbers like one pound is worth 30 seconds per mile on a climb. Then again, running out of water and dehydrating, cramping and passing out also slows you down. Same goes for other gear. You are not likely to need your cell phone, first aid kit, shock pump, etc. during a race. You can do 24 hour/endurance lap races with even less. I race with a water bottle or two. I race with no Camelbak if we are are relaying single 10 mile laps. One note on the waterbottle thing: I have a seat tube rear mounted second bottle cage. I've had issues with my bottle bouncing out of the cage. My fix for this issue is to zip-tie a velcro strap to my seat post. When the bottle is in place, I velcro the bottle to the seat tube to keep it in there. Halfway through the race, I reach back, rip the velcro apart and pull my empty bottle (from the downtube cage), stick it in the seat tube cage, and take the full bottle and stick it up front in the downtube bottle cage. The zip tie keeps the velcro strap attached to the bike at the seat tube, so you donÕt have to worry about closing the velcro, or stuffing it in your pocket. Try to recognize when you are in a conga line, and know what to do about it. A Conga line usually forms during a long climb or tight singletrack. Nobody really wants to expend the energy to pass, so they all collect and go with the flow in a long line. This can go on for much longer than it needs to, and makes for a good passing opportunity for those willing to strike. Sometimes, it's best to go with the herd, sometimes the herd doesn't know when to go faster. A quick burst of energy can break you loose from the herd and smoke them all, or maybe the herd will just smoke you back. When folks get in a conga line, it's easy to stay there and not take any risks. If you see an open door, and you have the energy to spare (and it isn't just going to be wasted), why not? On long fireroad climbs (like the last 3 mile climb out at Sea Otter) I like to alternate between standing and sitting. I find it's good to mix up my muscle usage. Standing is faster, but is less efficient, burns more energy and is harder on my knees. When switching from sitting to standing, I lock out my shocks, upshift two cogs and hammer away. On steep climbs, you usually have better traction sitting, but practice on your own and find what works for you. When cresting a climb, keep pedaling at the same effort, but upshift as the trail levels out and heads back down. Continue to pedal down the next hill. So many riders have the habit of summiting, and taking a big sigh '*whew!*'. This is your perfect opportunity to pass a few. You can rest on the downhill. Heart Rate Monitors are great... not just for keeping tabs on your effort, but to intimidate other racers. There is nothing more irritating than a racer hot on your tail with that annoying 'beep beep beep' throwing off your rhythm. I have mine set to start beeping at 90% of my max hear rate, which is where I ride for most of a race. Hoofing is a perfectly acceptable way to get around stuff that would normally be hard to ride, like log piles, mud pits, deep sand traps, and other downed riders. You're not trying to impress your fellow riders with your mad skillz, you're trying to get ahead the fastest way you can. Think cyclocross style. A quick dismount, throw your bike over obstacle or over your shoulder, and do a rolling re-mount as soon as you can. Gear choice in this is also key. Choose a gear that gets you some acceleration when you get back on. If you end up behind another racer who is obviously going at a slower pace, but won't let you pass despite repeated requests, try singing a super catchy, annoying 'stick in your head' crappy pop kinda song. 'Oops I Did it Again' by Brittany Spears is one of my favorites. This only works if your mark has heard this song. The more common in pop culture, the better. Remember that Jam-Car racer is undoing all your prior work. Those other folks you passed earlier are catching up... and want some payback! Another trick for throwing off somebody's rhythm... Make noises like a leaking tire. 'PSSSS PSSSS PSSSS PSSSS' with each tire rotation. If you're subtle, and use this trick with extreme realism, the jam-car rider will get off his bike to check his tire. Muuuaaa haaa haa haaa, Suckah!! Other comments to Psyche out other riders: 'Is that a crack in your chainstay?' 'I think your rear tire is going flat!' 'Dude, is your rear quick release open?' 'Are you going to walk or ride the (insert upcoming techie section)?' Use your imagination. Anything that
makes somebody's brain focus on anything but pedaling is going to slow
him/her down. The downside is that you may piss the other racer off so
much he elbows you off the trail. Use your judgement. These last few are indeed dirty tricks, so please reserve them for those who sincerely deserve them. You may receive an elbow or ass kicking for using them, so don't tell me I didn't warn you.
More to come...
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